“I was raised
in a Christian home and was encouraged by my parents to attend church and to
live a Christian life. Compared to most people, I would say I had a very easy
childhood and adolescence. I say this because I won’t blame my sin and bad
choices on my upbringing or some tragic event that happened. My sins are a result of me being human. My bad choices are a result of thinking that
I can do it all alone, that I am the one in control, and that having problems
show weakness.
As a kid, I mostly
did what was expected of me. I went to church,
attended youth group and did well in school.
I called myself a Christian when I was around Christians and I learned
to say all the right things.
When I was 11 years old, I raised my hand when my Sunday
School teacher asked who wanted Jesus to come live in their heart. I was Baptized when I was 13. Looking back, I can say that I didn’t really
do these things because I wanted to be closer to Jesus and follow him. I did it because that is what was expected
and it seemed to please those around me. I can say for certain, that if I would have
been in a family and group of friends who worshiped a great tree, I would have
done that. I did not understand what
it meant to be a true follower of Jesus Christ, to want to serve him with all
you have and have a heart of love for others.
What I saw and came to believe, was that as a Christian, we
were “good”. We did not have
problems. No one seemed to speak about
struggles in their life or their failures, so I guessed they did not have
any. I tried mirror that in my
life. Christians are “good” and “do
good”. If you do something bad or think bad thoughts, then you must not be
Christian, or even worse, God probably doesn’t like you.
When I went
off to college, I began my 28-year path away from God. My life involved
drinking and parties on a regular (more than weekly) basis. When I had the choice I usually turned away
from God because I didn’t feel “good enough”.
I had in my head that Christians do good and I did bad and enjoyed doing
bad, so God didn’t want to associate with me.
I chose to go it alone and continued to think I could handle
things. There were a couple of alcohol
related arrests, and so many years of wasted time, selfishness, pride and bad
choices.
I got married
when I was 39. My drinking and parties
tapered off. I enjoyed success in my
career. I felt so much pride in my
accomplishments and I felt I did it on my own.
Things seemed to be good for about 5 or 6 years.
But slowly our
marriage began to slip. We didn’t have
much in common and we went separate ways a lot.
I began to have a few drinks with the guys sometimes. I knew things were slipping, but I thought I could
handle it on my own. As I look back, one
of the strangest things to me now is that, if you asked me at the time, “Are
you a Christian?”, I would shave said, “of course!” I didn’t pray, didn’t attend church, didn’t
read the bible, didn’t involve God in any part of my life, didn’t have a heart
to help or love others, and didn’t follow God at all.
When I was 45
I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had to undergo a difficult surgery to
remove a small benign tumor that was in a dangerous area. At that time you would think I would have turned
toward God. Well, I did pray a short
prayer or two, but I also refused to let a group of people pray for me, I still
felt like God really wasn’t happy with me and probably didn’t like me for the
things I had done.
The surgery
was a success! The long term damage from
the surgery, was to be minimal (completely deaf in my right ear), but the short
term (ended up being a couple of years), was very difficult. My balance was so
messed up that I could not stand for a week and could not walk on my own for
few weeks. The road to resuming normal
activities was long and difficult. I drank
a little more.
As you can
imagine, this all added more difficulties and strain on the marriage. I became depressed while trapped at home
alone and not able to drive for a year. I
became very isolated. I did not pray or ask for help. I could handle it on my own. I drank some more.I was at home and I had a computer. The computer can be a
fantastic tool and it can be a terrible weapon the enemy can use against us.
Growing up, like many teens and college guys, I would come
across or buy a Playboy magazine every once in a while. This was another area
where I fell short of what God really wanted for me. This was another area where I felt I was
“bad”. If you were a Christian, you wouldn’t
look at this stuff because Christian’s don’t do bad things, right? I felt God certainly didn’t like me for
viewing that.
A magazine is
one thing and then the internet is another.
Pornography on the internet is unlimited, and is easy to hide. It works into your mind like a drug. It
provides an escape from reality. I knew God didn't like it, so I thought He didn’t
like me. I turned my back on God and
hid it from others. I could handle it on my own.
My pornography viewing turned into a
full-time addiction. There were
times when I would be on a family outing or at a movie, but would be wondering
how long it would be before we could return home and I could return to my
office and my computer. I knew it would
truly hurt my wife if she knew what I was doing. I made promises to myself that this would be
the last time, or maybe I would begin to view it less often. It only increased. My problem became a daily habit.”
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not
want is what I keep on doing. Romans 7:19
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