Fourteen years ago, today, we adopted twin baby boys from a
beautiful teenage young woman. Every year, on their birthday, I write a letter
updating her about the boys and sending her pictures of them. I remember, before
they were born, when we knew the adoption was really going to happen, I
wrestled with the question: What do you say to someone who gives you their
child?
This would be a woman who would go through 40 weeks of
growing a baby inside her own body, or in our case two babies, and then endure
the painful procedure of giving birth, and at the end would give me her
precious, beautiful boys.
I understood my part of the adoption process, loving a
child. I already had two bio kids. I knew how to love, cuddle, kiss, care for,
rock, feed, change, play with, smile at, tickle, read to, and raise a child. I
also knew how painful, emotional, spiritual, miraculous and amazing it was to
give birth.
Having loved two children, I could not under any circumstances,
imagine giving my child to someone else. I knew some women who did not
want their child, for whatever reason, were free to have an abortion at any
time. So, why go through the nine months of growing a baby in your own body,
just to give them to someone else to enjoy, forever? I had a hard time dropping my daughter off on her first
day of preschool. I drove home bawling in the car, counting the two hundred and
ten minutes until I could pick her up again.
This time I would be on the receiving end. Someone had
chosen me (and the hubby) to give their babies to forever. First, I knew she
must really love those boys to endure the nine months, knowing she would end up
with nothing but stretch marks at the end. Then, to go through meeting
potential adoptive parents, get counseling from the adoption agency, to make
sure she was of sound mind and knew exactly what she was doing, and go to court
to make the whole thing legal and permanent. She had to put the good of her
children ahead of her emotions. She had to want the very best for those babies
growing inside her.
So, back to my question: What do you say to someone who
gives you their child?
The words ‘thank you’ seemed so inadequate. You say ‘thank
you’ when someone passes you the potatoes. You say ‘thank you’ when someone
holds the door open for you. Should we bring flowers? We did. Should we buy her
a gift, like jewelry? We did. Should we buy her a gift card for food or
other necessities? We did. But, we gave those things to other women who
had a baby, and they weren’t giving us their child to keep.
It is just impossible to comprehend. Because the truth is:
there are no words to say to someone who gives you their child. There just
aren’t. It is an act that is too
huge, too amazing, too selfless, too generous and too loving for a response. It
is right up there with the words Jesus spoke “No one has a greater love than
this: that he lay down his life for his friends.” This birth mother denied herself and gave up part of her
life, the life she nurtured inside herself, and laid that life in my arms.
It is still such an amazing thing.
I stumbled through the words 14 years ago. I said ‘thank
you.’ I hugged her. I promised to love her twin boys with all of my heart, for
all of my life. What did she want in return? She wanted me to tell them how
much she loved them. She wanted me to tell them she loved them more than
they would ever know.
It is such a huge, self-sacrificing concept. I am not sure I
will ever be able to fully relay to them the depth of her love.
They did ask me once when they were little, “Mom, remember
your friend?”
“Which friend is that?” I asked.
“Your friend that you adopted us out of her belly?”
“Yes, I remember her,” I smiled; glad they knew she was my
friend.
“She was really nice, wasn’t she?” he asked simply.
“Yes, son, she was really nice.”
One day, they will know and possibly understand. But today,
I sit down to write a letter to the woman, who 14 years ago today, gave me,
gave our family, the best gift ever. She gave me the most beautiful twin baby
boys, that had grown in her belly. My boys, and her boys too. To her I will say
‘thank you’, again and again and again.
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| Twin's birthday |
How about you. What would you have said? Any other adoptive parents struggle with this question?
