Meeting the Birth Mother

(This is Day 3 of Our Adoption Adventure. If you missed the first part, click here.) 
        

            “There is something I need to let you know before you meet her. She has a disorder called trichotillomania, where she pulled out all of her eyebrows and they never grew back. So, don’t be alarmed when you see she has these large drawn on eyebrows.” Mrs C., the adoption director, told us as she welcomed us into her office.

            We were meeting the birth mother for the first time. We didn’t expect to receive a call only six weeks after our paperwork was complete, but here we were. We were nervous and glad Mrs. C. was there to make the introductions and lead the meeting.

            We walked in to meet Tina*, the birth mother who chose us after seeing our family photo album.  I don’t know what we expected. Tina was about 5’7” and thin, with long, disheveled dirty blond hair and pale skin. She showed no signs of being pregnant. Dark circles under her eyes made her face looked tired. I tried not to stare at her thinly drawn on eyebrows. She moved around nervously, sniffing and touching her nose repeatedly as if she had allergies.

            The conversation was awkward at first, but then she started talking. She was bold, matter of fact and had a roughness to her. Her gravelly voice made her sound like a heavy smoker. Mrs C. told us Tina placed a baby for adoption when she was in high school. That child was ten years old now. This made Tina 27 years old, which was surprising. She looked and acted about 19, except for her face, which was hard and made her look older.

            She told us the birth father was a guy she met at a bar. He wouldn’t have any problem signing adoption papers. She had a four-year-old daughter named Lexus, because that was Tina’s favorite car. She mostly talked about herself and even though she didn’t ask us any questions, she seemed fine with us. As we were leaving, I was talking about details with Mrs. C, when Tina asked my husband if we would take twins. He said yes, we would. He asked why she thought she was carrying twins, since she had not been to a doctor yet. She told him she had seven abortions and one time they told her it was twins. She said she felt like she did that time when she was carrying twins. We were shocked that she had seven abortions. Between those, the first child she placed for adoption, the daughter she was raising and the baby we were going to adopt, that was a lot of pregnancies.

            Over the next five months I spent time with Tina several days a week. I bought food and toiletries for her, took her to get social services, called and got her health insurance, picked a doctor for her and drove her to her appointments. During the first appointment I sat in the exam room with her. At one point the nurse asked me if Tina was my daughter. How old do I look? I wondered. Tina was 27 and I was 33. The doctor came in and talked to us. He asked Tina how she knew she was pregnant. She said because she started craving popcorn. The doctor rolled his eyes and looked at me skeptically. He didn’t think she was really pregnant. Who plans their life around craving popcorn? My heart sank. We waited a month for this appointment and now she might not be pregnant at all. I couldn’t believe this. As gently as he could, the doctor explained to her that a craving for popcorn did not qualify as valid evidence that she was pregnant. Tina insisted she knew her body and she knew when she was pregnant and she was definitely pregnant now.

            The doctor left and came back with the pregnancy test results. She was indeed, pregnant. After an exam he determined she was in the early stages, possibly six weeks pregnant. This put her at only two weeks pregnant when we first met her.

            After a few months, the director found out Tina was using crack cocaine.


(Click here for Part 2 on Day 4 of 31 Days of Our Adoption Adventure.)



*The names have been changed.