Friday, October 10, 2014

Staying Out of the Emotional Pool

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(Thanks for stopping by! This is Day 10 in a series called Our Adoption Adventure. Click here to start at the beginning. )     

         After the first birth mother  left and the second birth mother changed her mind and kept her baby girl, I was an emotional wreck. My heart hurt. I was devastated about getting so close to having a baby and then having the adoptions fall through both times.
         It was especially hard with the baby girl because her delivery date was so close and we chose a name for her and I foolishly bought clothes for her.
          I was grieving and upset and wondering if we heard from God correctly. If He called us to adopt, why wasn’t this happening?
         My husband, great guy that he is, seemed fine. He was not grieving the loss of another child. He was not upset or doubting God. He felt bad that I was sad, but he was not sad himself. (To give him credit, he was driving two hours everyday trying to salvage our struggling business. Translation: He was busy with work and his mind was occupied on solving problems.)
         In my grief and confusion about losing the baby girl, I finally asked him,
              “Why aren’t you upset about this? It doesn’t seem like you are hurt or care that this happened.”
         “I do care. I’m sorry this happened, mostly because you are so hurt. But, I trust God. If He wants us to adopt, it will happen.” He said.
         “Right, but He’s not going to drop a baby in our laps. We have to go through the process, meeting birth mothers, getting involved and helping them.” I replied.
         “And we are doing those things.” he said. “I am just not going to jump in the emotional pool with you every time we get a call about a birth mother.”
         “What do you mean?”
         “I’m not going to let my emotions go. I’m not going to put myself out there and love or commit to a child, until they are completely ours. This is a roller coaster ride and there are ups and downs in the journey. If God wants us to adopt, I trust He will make it happen.” He explained.
         “It doesn’t seem like you care. It seems like you are standing back. I would feel better if you jumped in with me.” I said.
         “I am standing on the pool deck, so I can pull you out when you are drowning in the emotional pool. Someone needs to be on the deck.”

         I understood now. It made sense. He was protecting his heart and his emotions. That was why, after this huge disappointment, he was still standing and trusting God.
         For better or worse that is what I decided to do as well. I wanted to follow God without having my heart crushed every time there was a disappointment. I decided I would not jump in the emotional pool again. I would do everything I could to guard my heart and mind, and stay on the pool deck. If there was another birth mother, I would not get emotionally involved. I would hold the possibility of adopting loosely. ----I’m not saying this was the right thing to do. I’m just being honest in saying I did not want to get hurt again.
         For the next six months, there were no more calls from the adoption agency. I don’t think they were planning to call us unless a baby was dropped off at their office with all the legal papers signed, and they knew it was officially a done deal.
                                                  That was fine with me.
         We were going to trust God and wait. This was God’s idea, so we trusted He would bring the children He had for us at the right time.

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

       Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the 
name of the LORD our God.


Have you been there?
Do you guard your heart when things get emotionally difficult? 

 **** Click here to read Day 11. *** 


  1. My husband is the same way. It's nice to hear a different explanation of how and why this works so well in our marriage.

    1. It was great to hear his explanation and he was able to be there for me when my emotions were shot. I appreciated his strength during that time, and tried to be more that way the next time. Another way God made men and women different.

  2. My husband and I have dealt with a situation very differently. Ours was an adoption that we stopped because I found out I was pregnant. I have had a hard time on and off for years, but he wasn't upset for very long. I still wonder if we did the right thing and he doesn't ever wonder. It used to bother me, but now I realize that we will just be different.

    1. That's what Emerson Eggerichs, the author of Love and Respect always says "not wrong, just different" when discussing men and women. We see things through pink glasses and men see things through blue glasses. LOL

  3. Adoption is such an emotional process, I can't imagine what you have been through!

    1. You know God was in control the whole time. In the end He blessed us more than we could have imagined. Thanks for reading Melissa. I am enjoying yours as well.